In a sad and somewhat qirky turn of events Thursday morning, FIFA officials announced that the 2011 running of the Pittsburgh Marathon will be moved to Qatar. A mock suicidal Bill Clinton clapped politely for several seconds after the announcement was made before sitting on his hands, rocking back and forth in his seat, and crying.
"I feel like I've been punched in the stomach," Clinton told reporters in his signature Arkansonian drawl. "I was so looking forward to seeing those lunatics collapse at the 20-mile mark on the streets of the City of Champions. Now I'll have to settle for watching them do it much earlier in 110 degree heat, while I try to shake off donkey-drawn carriages and high-pressure kabob vendors. Great. Just fucking great."
Clinton continued to question why FIFA would move the marathon on such short notice in the face of security concerns and complaints over Qatar's limited accessibility.
Meanwhile (actually 8 hours earlier), Mubarak Hassan Shami, Qatar's top-ranked marathoner peed his pants in spasmodic glee. "I wasn't going to get involved with the Trois until I heard this news. Now, I can't wait to crush all three of them by forty-something minutes. The streets of our proud country will run red with deoxygenated American blood...and oil...of course there will always be oil coursing through our streets."
Ro$$, Gordon, and Sam were not immediately available for comment.
