1) Tucker Carlson thinks his quarterback should have been executed for killing dogs.
2) He (D.A.) was selected to the Pro-Bowl (again).
3) The Eagles had a Tuesday night game against the Minnesota Viqueens.
Holy shitballs! An NFL game on a $*%& Tuesday? What's next, a Black Friday sale on a Monday, but one that's limited to electronic equipment only? Needless to say, David had completely forgotten that from somewhere between the fury of recent Mid-Atlantic blizzards and the inanity of NFL executives, the decision arose to postpone last Sunday's game with the Minnesota Vikings. (It later came out that Sunday's game was actually canceled because Bret Favre was busy camouflaging his wang to avoid further inquisition in a probe headed by the same wieners that decided to move a Sunday football game to Tuesday.)
Akers began his 10-hour ritual of pre-game readiness, which involves hiring a series of homeless guys to come into his house so that he can kick them in the groin as hard as he can. When he built up to kicking one guy's shorn testicles 53 yards, he put his uniform on and dutifully told Michelle Tafoya his predicted range for the day. (While on-the-money in terms of angle, David would later be short on a 54-yard attempt, which of course did not factor into the overall pathetic nature of the loss.)
But one kick did make a difference last night, and Akers knew it. After a black Tucker Carlson scrambled for a TD in the first half, Akers kicked an extra point that won my fantasy football team The Blistering Chodes, their first championship in as many years.
By now you may be asking, "Hey Sam! What gives, man? Are you telling me that you pulled a bait-and-switch on your supposed marathon training blog, luring me in with an enticing Nascar porn title, only to talk about how awesome David Akers is and to brag about your recent fantasy football championship?" My answer to that question would be, "Yes, that's exactly what I did."
Now admire the .jpg image of my medal and then go suck on a turd.
Sam,
ReplyDeleteAs a long time fan of both you and David Akers, I couldn't be happier for you. I think your post was perfectly appropriate, as victory is at the core of MaT's mission.
Speaking of victory, I've taken a big step forward with my training this week, by introducing th key element that took me to my greatest heights as a runner. Running every day? Hardly. I got a pull-up bar for Christmas. If the guy on the box is any indication, I should be jacked as hell in no time.
Readership is a little low these days. Maybe I should rename the title "Teacher Seduces" and see who stops by.
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