Interview with Carrie Richards

Behind every great man stands a great woman. This statement is no less true for the heroes of Marathon a Trois than for Kurt Cobain or Ronnie from Jersey Shore. Carrie Richards is not only the wife of MaT member RO$$, but she is a very accomplished woman in her own right. Currently an oncology nurse, Carrie was also a very good collegiate runner. In a rare sit-down interview with MaT, Carrie reflected upon her running career, the laughs she’s shared with close friends, and why she’s a better judge of character than God.

Marathon a Trois: First off, there's been a lot of confusion of late, especially amongst people who send Christmas cards, about your last name. What's the deal?

Carrie Richards: I haven’t changed my name. Last night I was at dinner with a girl who hasn’t changed her name either for the exact same reason – it’s just really hard. I’ve got a license to change . . . You wouldn’t want to change your name either.

MaT: I suppose not. How does it feel to be married to not only the slowest MaT member, but also the only one who will never be called "Doctor"?

CR: Gordon’s going to be a doctor?

MaT: Yes. Believe it or not, the same guy who can't wash a cereal bowl to save his life is going to be entrusted with the mental health of kids who cut themselves.

CR: You might be a doctor of statistics. It could happen.

MaT: It’s not going to happen.

CR: I don’t care that you’re the slowest. How does it feel to be married to the fastest of all the wives?

MaT: It feels awesome. I’ve always been proud of your running achievements, like that day last week when you finished a twenty-minute run without stopping to walk. Speaking of your running achievements, which one are you most proud of?

CR: Being on the Championship of America 4x8. [The Cornell women’s 4x800m relay team placed third at the 2005 Penn Relays, running 8:35. Carrie didn’t even know what place they got, so obviously she's not that proud of herself.] And I ran 2:07. That’s pretty good. I’m most proud of our relay team getting the Ivy League record.

MaT: Perhaps your most famous race was when you lost the 2005 Heps 1500 final by one thousandth of a second. Do you ever reflect on that race and how things might have gone differently?

CR: Yeah, I do. If I’d thought that I could have won, then maybe I would have, but it was like all of a sudden I was in second place with 100 to go. If I’d gone into the race thinking I could win, then maybe I would have.

MaT: But do you think that maybe not expecting to win allowed you to race relaxed and pressure free?

CR: Yes, but ultimately I think the reason I didn’t win is because I was in bad position and didn’t even see [Hilary Bontz of Columbia, the race's winner] break away, so if I’d been more aggressive I could have been in better position at the end because clearly I had more energy at the end of the race.

MaT: Well we all know that the notion of octogenarian Heps officials being able to break down a finish line shot to a thousandth of a second is bullshit anyway. What a shock that the girl from Columbia [the host team] was deemed the winner. Moving on, do you ever think you'll run a marathon someday?

CR: I think about it, but it’s not looking too good.

MaT: Yeah, they’re okay. You burn 3,000 calories so you get to pig out like crazy afterward, which is probably the best part. Now, you've been fortunate enough to see me in the immediate aftermath of the marathons I've run, as well as the Lidingöloppet. What insight has that given you into the nature of the marathon?

CR: I think that you’re irrationally angry at the end of races. You have a look on your face that’s kind of funny.

MaT: Funny in what way?

CR: Kind of like Napoleon Dynamite.

MaT: Thank you for that forced bit of comic relief. I’m sure our readers will piss themselves laughing at that one.

CR: Well you do act like that. I could do an impression of it but I can’t describe it.

MaT: Yeah, yeah. You and your famous impressions. It’s a wonder you aren’t a Saturday Night Live cast member by now. As long as this interview is going to head in a frosty direction, remember when you said the most fun night you ever had was when you went to a bar with Sam, Gordon, and Sarah Fischer, even though we'd been dating for quite a while at that point?

CR: We didn’t go to a bar. We had a couple of really fun nights. There were two.

MaT: Wow! Two! It’s amazing what can happen when you don’t hang out with me! What did you fun guys do that was so fun?

CR: Just laughed and laughed and laughed.

MaT: At my expense, no doubt.

CR: And we got ice cream and I was drunk and I got them apple pie with mocha chip ice cream on top.

MaT: Well, with hilarity like that I can certainly see how it was the most fun night of your life. Had I been there, I definitely would have been a wet blanket.

CR: Our wedding was fun.

MaT: Whatever. Speaking of weddings, why are you blowing off Gordon and Molly’s wedding?

CR: I am very sad that I will not be attending Gordon and Molly’s wedding. I may regret it in the future, but I’m better friends with Sarah Coseo. I think you’ll miss me at the wedding.

MaT: A few months ago I would have said no way to that, but now that my backup date, Oliver, has fallen for that blond kuntazi, I don’t know what I’m going to do.

Let’s move on to some Pittsburgh questions since that’s where the big race will be taking place. First off, how have you fared in the aftermath of the tragic Super Bowl loss?

CR: I was over it about fifteen minutes after we lost. I was taking care of cancer patients during the game, which added a great deal of perspective.

MaT: But weren’t you disappointed for your beloved Big Ben?

CR: I’ve always hated him. I’m a really good judge of character. Remember when he said “God is good” after the AFC championship game?

MaT: Well, after what happened at the Super Bowl, Ben and I agreed to temporarily downgrade God to “okay.” What’s your favorite thing about Pittsburgh?

CR: I like walking between neighborhoods and I like the old houses, and there are good restaurants. I also like the flowering trees in springtime.

MaT: Funny how the networks always opt to show montages of grizzled men pouring molten steel before Steelers games rather than all the flowering trees of springtime. Maybe you can help change this city’s sooty reputation. But before getting to work on that, we’re going to through my famous Pivot questionnaire, which all of my interview subjects have dutifully answered for the last twenty-seven years. Are you ready?

CR: I don’t know. How’s it work?

MaT: You shut up and my answer my questions.

CR: Fuck you.

At this point in the interview it became clear that Carrie was getting a little too sassy, so I got up and backhanded her. She quickly fell into line.

MaT: What is the funniest thing you’ve ever said?

CR: Hmm . . . When I saw that Scout [Carrie’s brother Matt’s dog] had pooped in my parents’ living room, Matt said, “Did you catch her in the act?” I said no, but that I was pretty sure it was Scout, and then everyone laughed.

MaT: Delightful. What’s the best Harrison Ford movie?

CR: The Empire Strikes Back.

MaT: And the worst Harrison Ford movie?

CR: Frantic, or The House on Carroll Street. I remember renting that as a kid because he was in it, and it sucked. [Carrie checks to see if Harrison Ford was actually in The House on Carroll Street.] Okay, he wasn’t in it. Kelly McGillis was. I rented that because she was in Witness with Harrison Ford. So my answer is Frantic.

MaT: What would your name be if you were an African-American?

CR: It would be . . . It’s more fun to think of a man’s name. If I were an African-American man my name would be Demarcus Washington.

MaT: I think we have a new candidate for the funniest thing you’ve ever said. Favorite condiment?

CR: Aioli, a garlic aioli.

MaT: What's your favorite thing about me?

CR: You’re funny.

MaT: Thank you, Carrie. You truly are the landlord of the four-chamber lounge I call my heart. And on behalf of the blog’s readers, thank you for being so generous with your time. Before we part, do you have anything that you’d like to say to all of our readers in the Middle East who are living through an extremely tumultuous time and are fighting for their freedom?

CR: I don’t think they’re concerned with the blog at all. I think you’re delusional.

MaT: How inspiring.