What Can Marathon a Trois Learn From Abbott, Costello and a Wad of Used Toilet Paper?

In this ongoing series, Marathon a Trois takes a look at famous trios from history , and examines what lessons RO$$, Sam, and Gordon can learn from them.

The year was 1935, and America, slowly healing from the wounds inflicted by an unforgiving Depression, was finally ready to laugh again. But after six years of sheer misery, it would take a lot more than some piece of shit silent films to amuse a hardened populace. Nothing less than sharply crafted wit, irresistible charm and, most importantly, words would do. Enter three lifelong friends -- William "Bud" Abbott, Lou Costello, and a malodorous wad of used toilet paper, affectionately known as "Wad."

The timing could not have been better for Abbott, Costello, and Wad. Charlie Chaplin, the preeminent film star of the first third of the Twentieth Century scarcely needed to do more than slide around on some cleverly placed roller skates to make his fortune, but post-Depression Americans were ready for something a little more cerebral. Or so they thought, for Abbott, Costello, and Wad were set to take comedy in a new, exciting, humorless direction.

Before we proceed, I ask the readers: Has an old person ever told you a joke? But of course, you're thinking. Well, have they ever told you a joke that actually made you laugh? Hell no! The reason for this is because, in the Greatest Generation's formative years, the novelty of hearing someone talk on film was so great that any inane verbal routine would cause audiences to mess themselves in hysterics.

Abbott, Costello, and Wad deftly anticipated this shift of the comedic zeitgeist.

"Abbott, Wad, my dear lads!" Costello proclaimed one fateful day. "These talking pictures are going to be huge! And on top of this exciting development, I do believe our fair country is ready to let her hair down and have a good time once again! If we find a way to work ourselves into one of these 'talkies' we'll be millionaires!"

"'Let her hair down?'" Abbott asked. "As in have a good time? As in laugh? But we're not even the slightest bit funny. Won't that preclude us from finding any sort of success?"

"Why, not at all," Costello replied. "Americans will be so enthralled by the talkies that they won't know what's what. They'll laugh at the very sound of our voices ringing out to them! The Banana Peel Era is over!"

While Abbott and Costello argued about the future of American entertainment, Wad stayed above the fray. Of the three, he was always known as the quiet, pensive one.

"Look, lads" Costello said, "all we need to do is get in front of a camera and act like a confused bunch of retards. Baseball seems to be very popular nowadays. Let's act like a confused bunch of retards on a baseball field! I'll be the manager, you be a ballplayer, and Wad will be an umpire."

Wad, unimpressed by Costello's proposal, remained silent.

"I'm not sold either, Wad," Abbott said. "What's the plot? What are we confused about?"

"I don't know," Costello said. "You'll ask me about the players on the team, and they'll all have confusing names or something. Maybe the first baseman can be named 'Who,' the second baseman can be named 'What,' and so on."

Abbott and Wad exchanged skeptical glances, eventually turning their eyes back toward Costello.

"Then what will Wad do?" Abbott asked.

"As the umpire, he'll be the confused onlooker, conveying the feelings of the audience. They'll feel as he feels. He'll make the scene sing!"

Costello gave them one last pitch.

"Here's what we'll do. We'll go to all the clubs, build up a following, get some word of mouth going, and take our act to the Hollywood studios. By the time we get to California, we'll have garnered enough enthusiasm that the movie producers will have no choice but to hand us all of their Jewish money!"

Abbott and Wad reluctantly agreed to go along with Costello's zany scheme, and the three friends promptly took their show on the road. The act was an immediate smash, with journalists and mavens across the country singing the praises of the three stars' impeccable chemistry.

But as the months wore on, and as the trio prepared to make their big move to Hollywood, a rift suddenly emerged between Abbott and Costello and their friend Wad. It quickly became evident that some combination of success and laziness had gone to Wad's shit-soaked head. Wad continually would skip out on shows, and when he did show up, each performance would be worse than the one that had preceded it. At first, Abbott and Costello begged Wad to exert the same level of effort as he had when their act began.

"We need you, Wad!" Abbott often cried.

"It's true," Costello said. "Without your clever facial expressions, the audience won't be able to follow our pointless banter. We'll be ruined!"

But Wad remained coldly mute in the face of his friends' desperate pleas.

So Abbott and Costello put on their bravest faces and headed to MGM Studios to meet with a cadre of high-powered suits. They told each other that, while it was a tremendous shame that their former best friend was inexplicably passing up the chance to entertain countless millions, they had no choice but to follow their dreams as a duo.

They walked into the meeting room, with Metro, Goldwyn, Mayer, and the famous lion awaiting them.

"Well, boys, have at it," Metro said. "Let's see the act that's single-handedly lifting our great nation out of Depression!"

"Hold on just a minute," the lion said as he gnawed on a piece of wildebeest carcass. "I thought there were three of you. Where's the third player?"

"Well, Mr. Lion," Abbott said, "our friend Wad seems to have lost his fire. Neither Costello nor I can explain it, and we know we pitched our bit to you as Abbott, Costello and Wad, but the both of us have come all this way, and we'd be forever indebted to you and your great studio if you let us present 'Who's On First?' to you as a twosome."

"Very well," the lion growled. "I'm skeptical that you'll be able to pull this off, but go on."

The entire western world knows what happened next. The MGM executives were positively dazzled, signing Abbott and Costello to a lucrative movie deal that made them their millions. Yet for all of their success on the silver screen, their most famous and beloved work will forever be "Who's On First?" while the cautionary tale of Wad and his bypassed fortune remains a staple of Hollywood lore.

In his later years, after the death of his partner Costello, Abbott made a very special appearance on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson. Carson marveled over Abbott and Costello's phenomenal success having come in the immediate aftermath of having lost what was once a vital contributor to their act. "I just have to know," he asked, "how did you two do it?"

"We were worried at first," the entertainment icon said, "but we quickly realized that Wad was nothing more than a fetid piece of used toilet paper. Costello and I were always the real stars, and Wad piggy-backed off our greatness the entire time. Deep down, he knew he was a fraud, so when the stars began to line up for us, he couldn't handle it. May he burn in hell."