Interview with Oliver Tassinari

This past Friday, MaT sat down with '05 Cornell graduate and everyone's favorite best man, Oliver Tassinari. Oliver currently resides in Boston and has put on weight since the above picture was taken.

Oliver: Well Sam, first of all, I just wanted to say its a pleasure to speak with you today and I'm a big fan of you, Ross, and Gordon in general. Overall, I have to say the blog has been a big success - certainly exceeding the horrible expectations I had for it back in November. Of course, there have been a few turds in the punch bowl if you don't mind me saying so.

MaT: Of course not. Sometimes I feel like I have to provide some filler but only have five minutes to get something up there. I guess it shows. But I have to say we're all thankful for your occasional comments. Any plans on jumping in the PIttsburgh half at this point?

Oliver: Well, I'd rather you not hold me to anything, but it certainly is a possibility. I just returned from a physical where i weighed in at 16.8 stone. While that would be a fine weight if I were planning on challenging Wladimir Klistchko for the WBC Heavyweight title, it doesn't exactly paint an optimistic picture of the possibility of my finishing a half marathon.

MaT: How about the Seidel bet? Something about an 800 this year with money on the line. Has that served as any incentive to run these days?

Oliver: Well, we both know that Seidel is a bit of hype queen, and furthermore I do not recall any bet. I do however feel confident that I will get my weight down by the late spring/early summer enough to put me in a position to contemplate a comeback to recreational jogging.

MaT: I think the bet was 2:08 800 if memory serves, but who's keeping track?

Oliver: Hmm... interesting. Yeah, doesn't ring any bells.

MaT: Is it public knowledge that you're contemplating a return to the academic arena?

If so, could you please post the opening paragraph of your personal statement to your top school choice?

Oliver: If memory serves, my last stint in post-graduate world lasted about two weeks and involved being caught asleep naked on a couch, so I'd rather not comment on the possibility of a return to academia if you don't mind.

MaT: That's fair. Though Jeff and I certainly have gotten quite a bit of conversational mileage over the fact that the first time he saw you, he saw your bare ass in our living room.

Oliver: By the way, how many years is it now that you have been in college? Ten years?

MaT: Yes, ten. I've grown completely complacent and lost the will to live or fight for a better wage. Speaking of losing the will to live, how is the love life going? Feel free to be specific or vague as you please.

Oliver: Well, I can honestly say that I have found the love of my life in Jen. Shes the air in my lungs, and I don't mind if the world knows.

MaT: That's wonderful news. We've all been curious to hear about the skeet shooting.

Oliver: Ah - yes, a wonderful trip to Tennessee, a state where it is all to easy to find access to a gun and shoot skeet with minimal (zero) safety protocol enforced.

MaT: Did you wear condoms like we did in Montreal?

Oliver: {Awkwardly laughing} - I'll just say I was single, and it wasn't my bachelor party. I was single at the time.

For the sake of any readers who may be horrified at this point, the condom reference is related to our paint ball experience at Ross and my bachelor party. We were instructed to apply "condoms" (small plastic covers) over our the ends of our guns during any period where our masks were up.

MaT: Let's get to the nitty gritty. We're something like 16 weeks away from the race. Word is that Ricky Lader is jumping in.

Oliver: Excellent to hear

MaT: Level with us. What are the chances of any of us beating him.

Oliver: Well, I think its clear that your chances are pretty low. I mean, for one, Ricky has experience running a competitive marathon. I think he ran a 2:44 in Harrisburg recently, and he is clearly a long distant specialist whereas the Marathon a Troi trio were mid-d guys. If you guys want to have any chance, you should all hope he shows up in his fat suit.

MaT: What's the handicap, then?

Oliver: Well, from the training the three of you are doing, I'll give Sam a 10 minute handicap against Ricky, Gordon 15 minutes, and Ross a 20 minute handicap (sorry Ross).

MaT: For the record, I don't see the fat suit happening. Zeb said something about Ricky running a 1:13 half marathon recently...on the treadmill.

Oliver: Yeah, so in that case, really your only hope is that he over-trains.

MaT: It's my dream of dreams.

Oliver: If hes in shape, I'll predict Ricky runs sub 2:35

MaT: I would concur. And if that's the case, I think we'd all be happy with your extrapolations from there. Do you think the wedding preparation will have any effect on Gordon?

Oliver: Let's not talk about weddings. I'm still recovering from last year.

MaT: I never got to ask you about your Year of the Wedding actually. How much did that end up costing?

Oliver: Well, I'll put it this way: It's been five months since the last wedding I went to and I almost have saved up enough to buy you the wedding gift I never gave you.

MaT: Yeah, the juice is running on that. The thing about a guest spreadsheet is that that shit doesn't lie when it comes to gifts. But seriously how many did you go to and how much did it cost you in the end. I want to see if you spent more than ours cost.

Oliver: You do the math. I went to six weddings, four bachelor parties, and one wedding shower. Of course one of the bachelor parties was a double. If you remove the strippers from the equation, that personal loan I took out was well worth it.

MaT: I suppose it's a better investment than betting on the Sacramento Kings.

Oliver: Zing!

MaT: I don't want to miss any opportunities to showcase your comedic prowess, but I only have a few more questions. What has been your favorite blog post so far?

Oliver: Sorry for not being funnier. I have horrid gas right now. That question is easy though: The post about you winning the Chilie CHilly 5k when you say "I think it was a mittens day today" in your interview. Comedic gold.

MaT: Yeah, talk about a lame interview, though to be fair, I gave the guy better material than that.

Oliver: Probably better than the interview material I am giving you now.

MaT: And, in my defense, my face was frozen. What do you want to see more of on the blog?

Oliver: Well, its no secret that Gordon has been absent.

MaT: More ridicule of Gordon?

Oliver: I would rename the blog "Menage a Deux" if he doesn't post more. And small penis jokes are certainly in order.

MaT: One alternative I had kicking around the was "Deuxing it," which kind of looks like "Deuche" if you squint and spell douche like a douche.

Oliver: Which brings me to the second thing I want more of: Blue comedy. Drop some F-bombs. Make it more R-rated. Live a little.

MaT: This is coming from the guy who used to take down Facebook pictures with beer in them. Still, your request is noted.

Oliver: I just feel a few shock laughs wouldn't hurt anything... besides any future political aspirations any of you might have. Some nudity would be great, too. Just give the monkeys what they want.

MaT: We could rename it "Race to the Bottom." Do you have any advice as we approach the four month mark?

Oliver: Oh golly. At this point in my post-running career, advice from me is probably as inspirational as advice would be coming from a McDonald's drive-thru attendant. All I can say is, have fun and who gives a shit. It's only a marathon. Hell, Oprah ran one.