Courage for the Day

Where's Gordon?

I'm starting to get a little bit worried about Gordon. As Natalie and I drove through Lancester on Christmas Eve, I called him and we did have a nice chat, but the more I think about it, I may have been speaking to a C-3PO drone who was controlled by one of Jabba the Hutt's minions on Tatooine. Gordon hasn't been seen on the blog in well over two weeks, and I for one think it's high time to sound the alarm bells.

Gordon, if you get this message, please let us know that you're OK.


For an entertaining conversation on whether or not Jabba had sex with Leia, please go here. I'm curious to hear your thoughts.

Sexy Girls, Free Money, Danica Patrick Naked

While eating his regular breakfast of human embryos and bacon-flavored awesomeness, Philadelphia Eagles' placekicker David Akers opened the newspaper and gleaned the following three pieces of information:

1) Tucker Carlson thinks his quarterback should have been executed for killing dogs.
2) He (D.A.) was selected to the Pro-Bowl (again).
3) The Eagles had a Tuesday night game against the Minnesota Viqueens.

Holy shitballs! An NFL game on a $*%& Tuesday? What's next, a Black Friday sale on a Monday, but one that's limited to electronic equipment only? Needless to say, David had completely forgotten that from somewhere between the fury of recent Mid-Atlantic blizzards and the inanity of NFL executives, the decision arose to postpone last Sunday's game with the Minnesota Vikings. (It later came out that Sunday's game was actually canceled because Bret Favre was busy camouflaging his wang to avoid further inquisition in a probe headed by the same wieners that decided to move a Sunday football game to Tuesday.)

Akers began his 10-hour ritual of pre-game readiness, which involves hiring a series of homeless guys to come into his house so that he can kick them in the groin as hard as he can. When he built up to kicking one guy's shorn testicles 53 yards, he put his uniform on and dutifully told Michelle Tafoya his predicted range for the day. (While on-the-money in terms of angle, David would later be short on a 54-yard attempt, which of course did not factor into the overall pathetic nature of the loss.)

But one kick did make a difference last night, and Akers knew it. After a black Tucker Carlson scrambled for a TD in the first half, Akers kicked an extra point that won my fantasy football team The Blistering Chodes, their first championship in as many years.



By now you may be asking, "Hey Sam! What gives, man? Are you telling me that you pulled a bait-and-switch on your supposed marathon training blog, luring me in with an enticing Nascar porn title, only to talk about how awesome David Akers is and to brag about your recent fantasy football championship?" My answer to that question would be, "Yes, that's exactly what I did."

Now admire the .jpg image of my medal and then go suck on a turd.

Week 6 Recap

Sam: Big travel week. Pretty bad on the running front. I've driven over half as many hours (18) as miles run (30). Su(7), M(0), T(8), W(6), R(0), F(5), Sa(4). My dad's new house backs right into Middle Run, which links to a ton of trails. We were all fans, including the dog.

RO$$: Very slowly but surely creeping up. S(7), M(0), T(8), W(0), R(0), F(8), S(5). Tip of the cap to loyal MaT reader Alyssa, who accompanied me on Sunday's run.

Interview with Will Seidel

Will: Fire away.

MaT: Excellent. Just so you're aware of the format and themes, I'm going to ask you questions about running and life, and you'll have however long you need to respond. I always feel the need to be clever when I get interviewed but usually fail to do so. Don't succumb to that pressure for my sake.

Will: OK, I will be straight up.

MaT: What have you been up to since Ross and Gordon left Cornell?

Will: I first spent two years in NYC working as an architectural consultant, and running for the Central Park Track Club. After that I went off to Madison, Wisconsin to do my MS in mechanical engineering, running slowly and getting injured a lot. Now I've finished that and am about to head to Denver to work in the solar industry.

MaT: I'll get back to grad school in a bit, since I want to ask about your defense, but comparing NYC and Wisconsin from a running perspective, which atmosphere was more productive?

Will: I think I sort of skewed the comparison somewhat by being drastically busier in Wisconsin - and I think the stress really took its toll there in terms of the two cities - I can compare them in a few categories:
1) Weather - NYC wins easily, Madison is incredibly cold in the winter and this outweighs the awesome summer/fall.
2) Routes - Madison isn't as great in this category as you'd think (I was hoping for Ithaca-like trails) but it still easily trumps NYC.
3) Running 'scene' - I'd say NYC takes this one. Madison has a good number of studs - but they all tend to do their own thing, and few cohesive training groups exist (at least for the journeyman athlete). Both places have decent racing opportunities - but NYC's proximity to the east coast corridor means more is within reach.
So if you're a huge stud who needs trails, has money to pay for flights to big meets etc. etc. I'd say Madison wins out. If you're a weekend warrior who wants to have fun racing with your friends, NYC.

MaT: Which one are you?

Will: I'm basically the latter trying to be the former. I think running-wise I had more fun in NYC. But who knows - that might be because I have run terribly since getting here.

MaT: So, in terms of Ross, Gordon, and me, would you give the edge to Gordon when it comes to running cities?

Will: Hmmmm. Well I know NYC can be supportive of running fast if you have time to engage in the running community - so I think the potential would be there for Gordon to take advantage of that. With his time commitments though - he basically never had the chance, although in fall 2008 he actually got in quite good shape in about 2 months of half-assed training - even running 1:57 in a ladder workout in practice. Pittsburgh I'm not really sure about as a city - I guess it produced Sam Bair, but on the other hand it kept Sam Bair above 4 minutes for quite some time. Hard to say there. Syracuse seems like a tough place to train - just from what I've heard about it: Cold, snowy, isolated. But I bet it's nice in the summer.

MaT: That sounds about right. I want to go back to something you said about hopes and dreams. Have yours essentially been dashed at this point in that you're happy with your current PR's, or do you still see Future Will as being the most fit version of yourself?

Will: I still think I can go faster. In January of 2009 I went from 1:59 to 1:55 in two weeks, then got the flu and missed indoors. The first weekend in April I ran 4:00 1500m closing in 60 to win my heat, then tore my hamstring and missed the outdoor season. I don't think I'm old enough that those performances are irrelevant - and I believe that if I am healthy and train smart I should be able to recapture that kind of fitness. Recent workouts suggest I am getting close. Of course - this is always the lament of the washed-up runner: 'if I could just get over XYZ injury and XYZ obstacle I know I could be the champ again...'

MaT: Oh Lil' Brudder…

Will: Exactly. I guess I'll find out in the next few years - but I don't think I could walk away now and be certain I got everything out of myself. You're only young once - my dad is forced to always wonder how fast he could have run if he'd really tried. I don't want to be in that situation.

MaT: But what's better? A 30-year-old who has run professionally since college and maybe made an Olympic Trials on $20k a year or someone who's furthered themselves professionally in some significant ways while half-assing the running?

Will: The problem with the 30 year old is he may have given up a lot of chances to realize his potential in the rest of his life. If most of his potential lies in running - it might be a good decision to follow that path. I think my running potential is very limited in the big scheme of things - but I don't think I need to give up much in terms of the rest of my life to try to run fast. Training for running doesn't take too much time - and if I didn't train I'd just be spending more time messing around on the internet.

MaT: That's true, I suppose. Maybe we use life as an excuse more so than we should.

Will: I think in lots of cases there are life situations which make it almost impossible: Med school, i-banking, etc. But I don't do either. The past two years I've worked ~12hours a day, averaged over a 7 day week. That leaves plenty of time. 9-5 leaves TONS of time, though the mental fatigue is a factor. And darkness. It is hard to finish work and head to the track for a hard workout.

MaT: Speaking of darkness, I feel like this is a good time to ask you about your thesis Just so the readers know, you were involved with discovering piezoelectric property changes in barium titanate upon mechanical deformation. Why don't you take us through the experience and tell us how much you ran in the days leading up to your defense.

Will: I'm impressed you know what piezoelectric properties are! But no, that has nothing to do with my thesis. My thesis focused on the simulation of the Supercritical CO2 Brayton Cycle for application in concentrating solar power plants. Basically simulating the performance of a different power-block for converting thermal energy into electricity. The experience of the research itself was very fulfilling, though the writing or reports/thesis was pretty terrible. I had two advisors who were constantly re-revising everything in minute and unimportant ways. I spent huge amounts of time late at night waiting for revisions - and then making them the process was hugely stressful - I am glad it is done.

MaT: Sounds like a big drag. Do you regret doing it?

Will: Nah I'm very pleased with what I did. I just a spent a lot of time doing unproductive things, but I got a ton done - I'm very proud of the research, I think it's important.

MaT: Do you think it's possible that human beings will one day be able to live on solar energy (i.e. not have to eat food)?

Will: I think if we've learned anything from that arsenic-eating bacteria - it is that anything is possible. We could certainly live for some period of time on just solar energy - might be days, might be weeks - depending on how fat we are.

MaT: Right. Have you ever watched The Biggest Loser?

Will: I saw it a few times in college, yeah.

MaT: Do you think its safe to lose 168 pounds in five months? I ask this because Oliver was thinking about running the marathon with us.

Will: Now I must emphasize that I am not a doctor. But I see no reason why Oliver couldn't lose 168lbs in that time. In all honesty, I very much believe Oliver has what it takes to run fast again with focus and lots of weight loss.

MaT: Emphasis on "lots."

Will: Yeah, he needs to get down to 175 or so

MaT: Is there any truth to the rumor that you two have got a bet about whether he can run a 2:08 800?

Will: $100. Very true.

MaT: What is the deadline?

Will: Physically I think he could do it pretty easily. It has to be done during the Boston High Performance meet season. I doubt his ability to focus and get it done though

MaT: So he's got 8-9 months?

Will: More like 7, though maybe 9 months when we made the initial bet.

MaT: What are your predictions for marathon times in Pittsburgh?

Will: It's tough to predict because that requires me to predict what you guys are physically capable of assuming you train at capacity and secondly, predict how much training you will do. I'd guess you'll all run 2:55-3:10 type times. I'd expect Mackenzie to be somewhat ahead due to guile and maybe more training

MaT: I was thinking about a bet of our own, based on one that friends of Steve Hicks had made for New York but never acted on. What do you think about the winner being able to punch the loser in the face at the finish line?

Will: I think it's a safe idea if you can avoid hitting the nose. Maybe a punch in the side of the head? Or a really aggressive open-handed slap.

MaT: Yeah, nose would hurt. The slap might be a good idea.

Will: Luff and I had several bets whereby the loser would get punched in the stomach IMMEDIATELY after finishing a race.

MaT: Right, that's the idea here.

Will: I once punched him incredibly hard in the stomach right after he missed the IC4A standard in the 10k at a home meet

MaT: Did he cry?

Will: Nah, he was a good sport. Sad about missing the standard of course, but he ended up doing alright later on.

MaT: Can you imagine getting punched in the stomach after a race that really mattered to you?

Will: Yeah, I bet it would barely figure in when you consider the pain of the race failure.

MaT: Alright, let's switch gears for a minute. 2010 saw Ross and I get married. Gordon is getting married next summer. What gives?

Will: I'd expect it all follows in the same vein of Gordon's life, that is, trying to measure up to Sammy Mack. I've heard he is applying to med school

MaT: I was trying to get him to apply to Syracuse actually. But what I meant, I suppose, is what's the deal with marriage itself?

Will: I'm maybe not the one to ask about this, but I guess if you're sure you're sure.
I'm not really ever sure about anything.

MaT: Wives can be annoying sometimes. Like when they make you clean instead of writing on your blog. I'm pretty sure about that. My better half is certainly a better journalist than I am, but I have to say I think I'm doing pretty well. On the other hand, I'm running out of ideas for questions. Do you have any questions that you'd like Marathon a Trois to answer?

Will: Why are you running a marathon? Versus say a more traditional distance for you guys?

MaT: Well, I think it boils down to fear of failure and a desire to explore some unknown territory. I think it would be pretty hard for us to be disappointed with the result, and it seems like the sort of event that precludes half-assing it on the preparation side. Gordon ran New York and pitched the idea of running a marathon to us via email.

Will: Yeah I can see that. Do you guys plan to run together - or are you guys gonna go solo?

MaT: I think if one of us is grossly undertrained, it'll be hard to stay together. Staying together is the ideal, I guess, but I think we could split up after a while if the pace demanded it.

Will: I worry that the wear and tear on Gordon could be enormous.

MaT: He's already breaking down. He hasn't posted anything on the blog in like ten days.

Will: Not unexpected. A lot of weight on a lot of long levers

MaT: What has been your favorite blog post in the early going?

Will: Hmm. I like ross's big posts, but only for entertainment. Honestly I would like to see more posts about what you guys are doing for running. Very little in that vein
so far.

MaT: Yeah, I think more graphs would be nice. We'll work on it. Anything else you'd like to ask or say before we conclude?

Will: I think you've got it all!

{At this point in the interview, I tried to drag Will through a Mad-Lib. He was a good sport and filled in answers through about half of it, at which point I could tell he was getting tired based on his answering "apple," "fencepost," and "CD-ROM" for three verb spots. Then Will got a phone call, and I tried to have Natalie fill out the rest. She just yelled at me, forcing me to extract words from her self-righteous oratory. The result of this disaster is published below:

Dear Will,

It seems like only yesterday we installed, but soon we'll put away our helmets and caravans. We'll go on with our lives once we have parted, but how can we say farewell to our pineapples? Wow! I can't believe it's finally time to go. I'll miss the fun times we had together training, appleling, and fenceposting. I'll never forget the time you CD-rommed that phone until you graded stories. What I'll miss most is the way you sat around. It always brought out the work in me. You've changed my life; you've made it frustrated. Leaving makes me feel strangely lazy.

Farewell dear friend,

Sam}

Mileage Update

As promised, here's the updated Week 5 progress report, factoring in data from the last week. I had also mistakenly switched week 1 numbers for the first go-round, so apologies for that.

What Can Marathon a Trois Learn From Metallica?

In this ongoing series, Marathon a Trois takes a look at famous trios from history, and examines what lessons RO$$, Sam, and Gordon can learn from them.

In this series' previous installment, Marathon a Trois examined the similarities between our three intrepid marathoners and the "Big Three" currently leading the NBA's Miami Heat. There, the parallels were clear: Three rich, famous, and handsome athletes that haters are crazy jealous of coming together in a previously unheard of act of cooperation, accompanied by unheard of levels of media hype and fanfare. Perhaps the personalities of the respective trios weren't perfect matches, but the background stories are so strikingly similar that comparisons between the two were inevitable.

But what could Sam, Gordon, and RO$$ possibly have in common with one of the most successful rock bands of all time? Well, one could easily argue (and many have) that, even more than running together, Sam, Gordon, and RO$$ are primarily in the business of collaborating to make sweet, sweet music. The deft interplay that's ever-present in the way they effortlessly control their pacing, stop for water/bathroom breaks, and make fun of people they don't like on their runs is akin to that found within the world's more accomplished symphonies. Second, at various points Metallica and Marathon a Trois were both such legendary partiers that they were known as "Alcoholica." But the main lesson to be learned from Metallica's experience pertains how -- and how not to -- soldier on when faced with the loss of a core member.

The line-up on Metallica's 1983 (the year in which Sam, RO$$, and Gordon were all born) debut album, Kill 'Em All, was James Hetfield on vocal and rhythm guitar, Kirk Hammett on lead guitar, Cliff Burton on bass, and Lars Ulrich on drums. (Note: we'll be skipping the Dave Mustaine part of Metallica's history here -- too complicated.) Kill 'Em All failed to crack the Billboard 200 in the year of its release, but has since gone on to sell over 3 million copies and is now considered one of metal's classic albums. Their second album, Ride the Lightning, released only one year later, improved upon many of Kill 'Em All's strengths and confirmed that Metallica was one of the best young bands in the world at that point.

But it was their third album, Master of Puppets, that took the band to new heights and forever cemented Metallica's legacy. Upon its release, the album went gold with no radio or TV airplay, an incredible achievement in an Internet-less era. Of all of Metallica's albums, which collectively have sold something like a billion copies, Master of Puppets is the one you'd be most likely to find on greatest-albums-of-all-time lists. Metallica soon set off on their Damage Inc. world tour, ready to scale ever greater heights.

But the tour would ultimately be remembered for the tragic death of Cliff Burton. Driving through rural southern Sweden early one morning as the band members were asleep, their tour bus skidded off the road. Cliff was thrown from the bus before it landed on top of him, crushing him to death at a too-young age of twenty-four.

At this point you must be wondering, "What in hell does this have to do with Marathon a Trois?" Well, readers, Marathon a Trois was not always a trio, but was once a great running foursome. Their dear friend Oliver Tassinari, who thankfully is still very much alive, kicking ass and taking names on a daily basis, was once an extremely good runner -- a Heps champion, a team MVP, and a Penn Relays medalist. But, far from being done in by a swift act of unspeakable tragedy, Oliver's running career was instead felled by a punishing work schedule and the humbling knowledge that the mountains he'd climbed in the past were so high that there was no feasible way he'd ever top them again. (Beer and Cheesy Gordita Crunches played a part as well.)

Much like James, Kirk, and Lars in the immediate aftermath of Cliff's death, in the summer of 2005 RO$$, Gordon, and Sam were confronted with the reality that Oliver's running career was suddenly six feet under the ground, never to be resurrected. It wasn't uncommon, in tear-laden phone conversations, for any one of them to suddenly scream "WHY?!?! WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN?!?!?! WWWWHHHHHHHYYYYYYY?!?!?!?"

It's been a rough four-plus years for our three heroes. Sam bravely carried on as if nothing had happened, continuing to run actual track meets. Sure, he hasn't equaled any of his old PRs, but his performances have been no less impressive. Things haven't been as easy for RO$$ and Gordon. Both toyed with running to and from work, and half-assedly running marathons where they were destined to stagger through the last few miles like newborn giraffes. But now, as everyone who is reading this knows, they have reunited, ready to take another shot at the big time.

So what can they learn from Metallica? Well, after Cliff's death, the band brought on Jason Newsted as a replacement (Jeff?), and promptly recorded and released their fourth album, . . . And Justice For All. Justice emphatically answered any questions fans might have had about how the band would carry on without Cliff; it peaked at number six on the Billboard charts, and might be Metallica's best album. Clearly, RO$$, Sam, and Gordon should be encouraged by this, and should confidently strive to make the Pittsburgh Marathon their own . . . And Justice For All.

Unfortunately, from there things only got worse for Metallica. Sure, their self-titled fifth album went on to become one of the best selling albums in world history, with just about every song still garnering regular radio play, but it totally sucks. Everything they released after that sucks even more. And if Sam, Gordon, and RO$$ ever end up agreeing to have themselves filmed for a documentary (presumably titled Some Kind of Douchechode) where they do little more than whine about each other in therapy sessions, then please, readers, track them down and shoot them in their heads with the biggest gun you can find.

So it's clear that the men of Marathon a Trois must proceed with caution on their Pittsburgh adventure. As Metallica has shown us, when a talented trio is forced to deal with the sudden loss of a close friend, the line between genius and self-parody can be thinner than Paul Tergat.

The Numbers Don't Lie

We're five weeks into this foolish foray, and the progress reports have just come in. There are some alarming trends that I felt warranted the attention of our faithful readers and some good old-fashioned New Year's Resolve on the part of our three heroes.

First the good news: While I jumped the gun in publishing this prior to getting Week 5 info for Ross and Gordon (I'll make the necessary edits once the data are in), it's clear that our mileage is trending in the right direction. We're all running at least a marathon per week, so that's good. On top of that, I didn't count biking or weight-lifting, which Ross and Gordon are way better at doing than I am. Let's hope that Gordon doesn't need a total knee replacement as a result of adding sex-meat to his Apollonian frame. Molly likey. Muy bueno.

More alarming is the fact that blog posts and quality (rated on a completely arbitrary 5-point scale) are trending downwards or have dropped off the map altogether. If it weren't for my one-line filler posts that bring virtually nothing to the table, my numbers would be a lot lower in the former category. On the whole, we all need a to make a recommitment to comedic service. It's not like we have anything better to do (e.g. education of young minds, asset management for trusting individuals).

In conclusion, this Christmas, I'm only asking for one thing, and that's an orgasmic blog for the New Year.

Natalie has been yelling at me to do some cleaning ever since I started plugging numbers into my spreadsheet. Gotta go! :(

Week 5 Recap

Sam: Su (15), M (6), T (0), W (4), R (6), F (7), Sa (14). Weekly total of 52 miles but with sandwiched long runs. No workouts this week, but I did some pickups during today's long run. Heading to Delaware tomorrow, so I'm excited for some trail running. I've planned out my long run schedule from here until May, since I guess that has to be part of the conversation for an aerobic pussy like myself. Climbing to 20 miles with pace-work in the middle sounds pretty daunting.

RO$$: S5, M7, T0, W0, R0, F5, S7. I should be able to pick things up a little but from here. On another matter. Did you guys get an email about possibly not getting an elite slot? I didn't have any hard evidence that I could break 2:57 (which I'm still assuming is the general goal time, not 2:19) by way of past times, so a woman emailed me just to give a heads up. If we don't get elite status, I don't think it will be a big deal, since there will be a sub-8:00 per mile group, which should be right near the front. When I ran 3:00 at Pittsburgh, I was 81st overall, so there can't be that many people registering who have actually run 2:57 or faster.

Mulligan

Sunday, October 17, 2011

http://empirestatemarathon.com/raceinfo.php

Week 4 Recap

Add your recap of the week's running.

SAMMACK: Off to a good start with 14 on Sunday, ten of which was on the canal path. Thank God for Yak Trax. I really wish I had had those things in college. Only 4 miles each for M, T, W. Thursday and Friday were "off" (hectic work days). Got an hour in today with about 25 minutes at marathon pace (coincidentally Natalie's tempo pace) for a total of 35 miles.

RO$$: S8, M0, T0, W0, R0, F5, S10. No biking. I apologize for my inactivity on the blog; I had a very busy week. However, I've got an idea for a new series of posts, the first of which should be coming out soon, so keep your ears to the streets!

DWADE: S4 + Lifting M: 3 T: 3 +Lifting W: 3 R: 5 F: 0 S: 5 + Lifting. 50 miles of biking. My knee was really hurting earlier in the week and the pain has gradually abated. I think I had strained my IT band. In terms of lifting I was fairly satisfied. My plan is to be over 220 when I run this marathon. I, too, am recommitting myself to the blog. Work has gotten in the way for far too long.

Snow Marathon

RTB Team Update

I'm seriously going to enter a team, so if you're interested, speak up. When we get 12, I'll enter a team. Again, it's September 16-17.

Guys (need two more): Sam, Gordon, Steve, Jeff (I think)

Girls (need three more): Natalie, Alyssa, Christine

Painful #$&%* 3k

So yesterday I set a Barton Hall record for being a big out of shape piece of shit. There really isn't much to recap other than a few personal highlights.

Getting the 3rd lane assignment, I was pretty slow off the line, just wanting a position on the rail so I could go to sleep and not worry about all the pushing BS. There was plenty of that anyway for the first 800, which saw several Mackenzie-style inside passes to keep punks off my biz. Though slower than I wanted, the mile went by fairly well in 4:52.

Robert was on the phone with Oliver at this point, who had called Robert to check in on the fate of a fake 4x800 Cornell relay named "Team Oliver Tassinari." Robert told Oliver that my next quarter was 76, which brought Oliver to tears (of laughter). He will pay for his insolence.

A few 76's later, my day was essentially done. I did manage to close in 34 to outkick some kid I vaguely recognized from Aim High. This tells me what I suspected all along -- namely I could have run faster, but was burdened by how hard running that fast felt after not working out. I subsequently got frustrated and apathetic and slow.

There are plans in the works to get more comfortable with 35's and maybe take another shot in January.

Final time: 9:23.

Week 3 Recap

Add your recap of the week's running.

CHOSEN1: 1:32 long run Sunday with Steve (13), 6M, 8T, 25 minute tempo W (7), 5R, 3F. Today I'm racing a 3k at Barton Hall, predicting disaster now that I've calculated the pace required to run 9 minutes (my self-imposed seed time). Let's call it a modest 6 miles today since we'll be pressed to get back to Syracuse. Will follow up with a race recap tomorrow. 48 miles total.

G $: Even 31 miloes for the week - S (5) M (5) with lifting T (5) W off with knee trouble R (off with more knee trouble) F(5 followed by long time spent at the bar) S (11 with Mongeon). 50 miles of biking thrown in and a field trip to go ice skating where I smashed knee, hence, the knee trouble

BO$H: Big week for me. S(0), M(0), T(0), W(8), R(0), F(0), S(8). No biking. I'm going to be doing a lot of dancing tonight, though, so that should burn off some calories.

Pittsburgh Marathon Moved to Qatar

In a sad and somewhat qirky turn of events Thursday morning, FIFA officials announced that the 2011 running of the Pittsburgh Marathon will be moved to Qatar. A mock suicidal Bill Clinton clapped politely for several seconds after the announcement was made before sitting on his hands, rocking back and forth in his seat, and crying.

"I feel like I've been punched in the stomach," Clinton told reporters in his signature Arkansonian drawl. "I was so looking forward to seeing those lunatics collapse at the 20-mile mark on the streets of the City of Champions. Now I'll have to settle for watching them do it much earlier in 110 degree heat, while I try to shake off donkey-drawn carriages and high-pressure kabob vendors. Great. Just fucking great."

Clinton continued to question why FIFA would move the marathon on such short notice in the face of security concerns and complaints over Qatar's limited accessibility.

Meanwhile (actually 8 hours earlier), Mubarak Hassan Shami, Qatar's top-ranked marathoner peed his pants in spasmodic glee. "I wasn't going to get involved with the Trois until I heard this news. Now, I can't wait to crush all three of them by forty-something minutes. The streets of our proud country will run red with deoxygenated American blood...and oil...of course there will always be oil coursing through our streets."

Ro$$, Gordon, and Sam were not immediately available for comment.

What Can Marathon a Trois Learn From the Miami Heat?

In what will hopefully become an ongoing series, Marathon a Trois will take a look at famous trios from history, and examine what lessons RO$$, Sam, and Gordon can learn from them.

Turn on ESPN, go on any sports website, or even leave your house just for a minute, and you can't help but be bombarded with handwringing about the most pressing crisis in America right now: What's to be done with the Miami Heat? Struggling to win more games than they lose, what was supposed to be an instant dynasty -- led by superstars LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh -- somehow finds themselves behind the Indiana Pacers in the Eastern Conference standings.

I hear you, readers. "Dammit, RO$$," you're saying, "I thought this was the one place on the Internet where I could enjoy temporary shelter from never-ending Heat blather. How is this even relevant to your marathon at all?" Well, for those of you who (somehow) haven't noticed, the hype for May 15, 2011 is rapidly escalating, and if our three protagonists don't keep their heads, their heroic mission could fly off the rails before it even begins. After all, if such a sure thing as an undefeated season for the Heat can go wrong, anything can.

First, we must examine the personalities at hand. How do RO$$, Sam, and Gordon stack up against LeBron, Wade, and Bosh?

RO$$: The easy parallel here is Wade. Like Wade, RO$$ convinced the other two to come to his town to run and beat some serious ass. But in terms of athletic accomplishment, RO$$ is clearly Bosh -- the wiener nobody likes who parlayed his friendship with two future hall-of-famers into apparent greatness by association. And just like Bosh, he's oblivious to the fact that the public sees right through this facade.

Sam: The parallels to Wade's career immediately jump out: Sam is the oldest member of the group, and his individual Heps crown is analogous to the fact that Wade is the only member of the Heat trio to have won an NBA title. But then you remember that, after RO$$ and Gordon agreed to run Pittsburgh together, Sam insisted on letting the world know of his decision to join them via an ill-conceived television special on some shitty Syracuse local access channel where he infamously declared, "This spring I'm going to take my talents to Steeltown." Oh, and he also has a tattoo that reads "CHOSEN 1" across his back.

Gordon: If RO$$, Sam, and Gordon actually played basketball together, Gordon would be Bosh, since he's so tall. So there's that. But there's also this series of coincidences that just can't be ignored: Like Wade, Gordon married his high school sweetheart, who also happened to be named Siohvaughn. Siohvaughn then gave birth to two beautiful young boys. Their names? Zaire Blessing Gordon Hall and Zion Malachi Airamis Hall. Both Gordon and Wade are now divorced from their respective Siohvaughns. That's downright creepy, man.

So maybe on an individual-to-individual level, the analogy isn't perfect, but the warnings signs provided by the Heat are everywhere. RO$$, Sam, and Gordon can't assume that they're going to show up on race day and break 2:10 together. As Dathan Ritzenhein has shown us time and time again, hype plus the marathon isn't always a winning equation. Luckily, these guys already have excellent chemistry left over from their time at Cornell, so, unlike the Heat, they should be fine as far as teamwork goes. But busting ass in training (which for RO$$ may mean running four times a week) between now and May 15th is of paramount importance.

Also, like his kindred spirit LeBron, it's become clear that Sam runs the risk of allowing Nike to distract him from the true task at hand. As if spending valuable training time designing shoes weren't potentially damaging enough, word on the street is that he (with the help of everyone's pal Lames) is planning a blowout ninety-second TV spot where he'll dress up in a bunch of costumes and feign inner turmoil over his Syracuse TV special. Sam, get your mind correct.

One crucial point worth noting is that the NBA season is young, and there is plenty of time for the Heat to right the ship. An NBA season is a marathon, not a sprint. Similarly, the Pittsburgh Marathon also looks to be a marathon, not a sprint. If the Heat end up solving their problems and cruising to into the playoffs as the East's top seed this spring, then perhaps they will serve as a parable for remaining calm and patient if, during the race's early miles, Gordon keeps stopping for pee breaks, RO$$'s shoes keep coming untied, or Sam finds himself at a complete loss without having a dog to torture at his side. In the meantime, the Heat serve to remind the men of Maraton a Trois to check their egos at the door in the pursuit of eternal greatness as May 15th approaches. 

Reach the Beach

Today is the first day that Reach the Beach Relay is accepting registrations. I know that Gordon will likely be on his honeymoon in September of 2011, but for the rest of us slobs with nothing better to do, I think it would be a great time. Best case scenario is that Jeff's 50-year-old knees hold up after a year of pounding pavement, Oliver's beer belly is down three inches, and Will has stopped dicking around in the Midwest. Add Ross and myself to that mix, and we're almost halfway there.

The details:

September 16-17.
We need 12 people.

The team can be co-ed.

There are 36 legs spanning about 200 miles, meaning each person averages 16.6 miles.

This will cost $1,160 ($97/person) plus van rental.

We could hang out in Boston the day before.

Other potential team members include but are not limited to: James, James, Sam, Ian, Mark, Steve, Mongeon (basically the complete list of my friends plus a few of Ross's friends that I know.) I don't know if it would be easier to go with 6 guys and rangle up 6 willing girls to go with us.

Mourning Pallazzo

Squirrels Haunt My Dreams

Hi, my name's Charley. I recently started running, and I'm not great at it yet, but it's coming along. My long run is currently seven miles, but I'm getting to the point where I can run most days without getting sore.

Anyway, I wanted to post a question here since I know some of you guys are more experienced than I am. I'm almost embarrassed to ask it, since it's probably going to seem like it's coming out of left field, but my question has to do with squirrels. Every time I see a squirrel on a run, I have to dart after him. Does this happen to anyone else?

Some background. After pooping in the backyard and eating my morning bowl of Kibbles'n'Bits earlier today, I gave some thought to why I feel such aggression when it comes to squirrels. When I was really young, I asked my mom about where milk comes from. She said that her milk comes from the food she eats. When I asked when I would be able to eat real dog food, she told me that I'd have to wait until I was older. But it wasn't what she said that was striking; it was more the way that she said it. She couldn't look me straight in the eye, but instead had this far off expression on her face. Later that night, I overheard her having an argument with my dad.

"Goddamnit Mona, why'd you have to bring it up at all? Lord knows you can't make promises like that! Not in this economy!"

"Pokey, I didn't say anything! He asked me a question, and I did the best I could to answer him."

"If only those damn squirrels didn't control 90% of the world's money, we'd be able to ensure that our son would be able to get a steady job and put food on the table..."

There's a saying down South, where I'm from: Rats are rats, pigeons are rats with wings, and squirrels are rats with good PR. But local cultural bias aside, after that fateful night, I did some research of my own about the origins of squirrels and their insatiable greed. Long story short, it turned out that my dad was a raging anti-Squirreletic and that in truth, squirrels had been wrongly oppressed for centuries. Still, somewhere deep down in a dark corner where my rational mind could not freely go, I cultivated a deep hatred for all things squirrel.

What bothers me most is that I can't outwardly control this hatred. As a long-standing Dixiecrat who has pushed for social equality at every turn in my young life (simultaneously jawing with our household's staunchly conservative Stuff Pierre whenever his obstructionist opinion surfaces), it just eats me up that I'm still chasing squirrels. As I said at the start of this post, my distraction has started to infringe on my progress toward a healthier lifestyle, as I can't seem to stay on a steady pace whenever I see one of those goddamned shit-dwelling, nut-sequestering rats.

Can anyone help me?

Never again

Here, if you look closely, you can see Seidel in blue on the right side (wearing only the singlet). My head, protruding from a red shirt, is a few feet behind him. I briefly overtook the race about a quarter of a mile in, but lost it on the hill and never regained.

Oddly enough the photographer didn't make it to the finish line to capture Will's victory, but he did manage to capture the 8th place finisher. There is something about the celebration.

As an interesting aside, this race was held in 19 degree temperatures. In NYC, the day before, the temperature had been 60 degrees.

On a completely unrelated note, I had a professor at Penn who talked a lot about raising a son in Philadelphia as a single mother. Then, she came in in the winter between 2006-2007 and was real upset about some trouble that her son had gotten into in Atlanta. Gradually, we figured out that her son was DJ Drama, and that she was upset because of his arrest over copyright infringement.

Monetizing and Designitizing

My second favorite blog has recently gotten me thinking about exploiting MàT's cashflow capabilities in some way. It's a no-brainer. For those of you too lazy to click on the link in the lead sentence, Zoo with Roy (the owner of which is an accountant somewhere outside of Philadelphia) has been selling tee-shirts, some of which I don't even understand, and making loads of bank.

Here are some ways I've thought about making money through this site:

1) Selling the socks we've used in training for our marathon.

2) Making and selling a number one rap song.

3) Advertising Natalie's services as a wet nurse.

4) Porn. (The title obviously lends itself to this.)

5) Tee-shirts and/or jerseys

This last option brings me to the second theme of this post, namely that of design. You'll all notice that the background and color scheme have gone through somewhat of a transformation since the last time you stopped by. I think the reasons for both are obvious, but if you're confused then you should read/watch Ross's last post.

That being said, I will be making jerseys and potentially a new line of running shoes (still need to get James on board for this last idea) for our epic run. Here is a sketch of where my head is at. Think of it is more of a brainstorm than anything else. I'm anxious to get your feedback.

PS - Still on the design front, I fargled up the font settings in such a way that our Week 1 Recap looks retarded. If either of you guys can fix this, I'll give you a thousand dollars.

Week 2 Recap

Add your recap of the week's running.

Sambo: 36 for the week -- 7 with the dog on Sunday (tired him out accidentally), 6M, 6T, 4W, Turkey Trot on Thursday in 17 minutes for third place and a turkey, off Friday, and 5 today. Long run tomorrow. Misplaced my early ambition sometime this afternoon since I was originally thinking about running twice today. Christmas spirit has surfaced with the wife.

HALL: 32 for the week -- S: 5 M: 5 T: 4 W: off T: Turkey Trot (humiliating loss to Will) 8 miles F: 5 S: 5. Motivation was low after my defeat to Slow-del, dripping tears mixed with my turkey, but I owe a big thank you to Ross for "Black and Yellow." The song had hardly ended before I nearly ran through the door of my apartment.

RO$$: Sorry for the late update. I spent the weekend in Nashville crawling around with babies. Air travel is the pits. Here's my week as best as I can remember. S: 7, M:7, T biked 9, W: biked 9, R: 0, F: 7, S: 0.

The Return of Rap Video Reviews!

No endeavor can be more rewarding than doggedly working alongside a close group of friends toward the goal of achieving everlasting greatness. Who can say for sure how this marathon experiment will turn out, but my sense of optimism is bolstered by the fact that this threesome can draw upon a prior experience where cooperation led to excellence. No, not the track and field conference championships, because I had absolutely nothing to do with any of those. What I refer to, obviously, is the Cornell cross country team's message board from the summer of 2003.

Created by Sam in an attempt to maintain contact with his teammates while living in self-imposed exile in Boulder, Colorado, the CUXC message board is still reverently discussed in hushed tones by internet scholars and übergeeks the world over. (Conversely, the name of Forrest Dillaway, a computer science major who commandeered the message board the following summer and made a bunch of promises about how awesome everything was going to be, only to violently run the entire operation into the ground, has become synonymous with the term epic fail.) 

The message board scaled some stratospheric heights. Sam's epochal STERILE! post, which has served as the impetus for countless university seminars, immediately leaps to mind. The message board was also unafraid to examine the inherently flawed nature of humanity, as avid readers will recall the unfortunate chain of events revolving around an incoming freshman's belief that no soil on Earth was more fertile for the planting of the gay rights movement's seeds than the web forum of a mediocre college cross country team. (Oh, crap. I may have just alienated this blog's entire readership. Hi, Will!) But the enduring strength of the message board lay in its contributors' collective documentation of an overlooked yet crucial era in American history. Gordon's meticulous, surrealistic portrait of a summer spent painting handrails and running through the fetid manure farms of Pennsylvania's Amish country, for example, has been favorably compared to the oeuvre of Gabriel Garcia Marquez.

My humble contributions to the message board consisted largely of reviews of that summer's most frequently aired rap videos on BET. Were those reviews truly unparalleled exemplars of cultural observance and criticism, as so many have gone on to claim? While the acclaim continues to flatter, it is not my place to say. What I will say is that to have been a part of that message board continues to stand as my most treasured accomplishment. I can only hope that this video review lives up to the board's lofty standards.

Now . . . . 

I had no choice but to review this video, as the marathon's directors have announced that this song will be blaring on loop across the City of Champions, to be heard clearly on every mile of the course, throughout the entirety of race day. 

Once the Steelers and Penguins won championships in the same year, there was only one thing left for me to achieve in this world: Have a rapper from Pittsburgh become wildly popular and take over the hip hop game. Since he broke onto the scene at age 17, native Champions like myself have fervently believed that Wiz Khalifa might prove to be the chosen one, but I must be honest, I'd begun to lose hope when the ingenious Alice Deejay-sampling "Say Yeah" didn't shoot straight to number one. 

But good things come to those who wait, as 2010 has pretty much been the Year of Wiz. "Black and Yellow" is the first single from his upcoming album on Atlantic records, and it's quickly become this decade's "Smells Like Teen Spirit" in terms of perfectly articulating the collective angst and aspirations of today's youth. It's already launched a new genre of rap videos called Awesome Videos Where Everyone Constantly Waves Terrible Towels Around. Best of all, every time Ray Lewis hears this song, he assumes the fetal position and sobs uncontrollably like a biggity bitch. 

So, Gordon and Sam, be sure watch this video before every training run, and we'll probably all qualify for the Olympic Trials. You know what it is.

Postscript: Readers, I know what you're thinking: "RO$$, I've watched the video like twenty-five times already, and I didn't see you anywhere. What's up with that?" Unfortunately, I had prior commitments the weekend the video was filmed. But for those who would twist my absence from "Black and Yellow" into some sort of evidence that I'm not the high priest of the Church of Wiz that I claim to be, check out this interview, where Wiz specifically mentions me shortly after the 1:40 mark:

Wiz Khalifa Interview With DJ Drama
- Watch more Music Videos at Vodpod.

Semi-pertinent

This video combines Gordon's recent activity with Ross's and my honeymoon destination. I thought I'd share since the music and cinematography alone are worth a click, and that's not even getting into the sweet tricks.

HALL: I hadn't had the chance to view this video, and I did, today. Sam, how did you come across this?
I can't believe this guy still has a tailbone.

Week 1 Recap

Add your recap of the week's running.

Sambo: About 35 miles with an 11.5 mile long-run today to close out the week, and a Boston Cream donut to cancel out the long run. No tempos or any of that shit. If I could summarize Week 1 in one word, that word would be "houp-doup."

Ro$$: Last week I ran 5 miles on Monday, biked about 12 miles on Thursday, and ran 8 today. I'm not terribly worried at this point, so long as your comment about running 2:45 was a joke.

HALL: Week 1 - Blah. I am still in recovery from the NYC marathon - which means no running. I biked 10 miles Monday - Friday, and I lifted weights on Sunday and Wednesday. So, 50 miles of nothing, but I did add more weight to my biceps and pectorals.

It's Like Writing a Good Blog Entry -- You Just Do It

I've tortured myself for a full week now over what my initial contribution to this momentous blog should be, and while I've got some ideas, I kept thinking back to how Sam's first entry included that great video, which so far has provided me with more inspiration to get out there and train than all of Robert and Coach Taylor's speeches combined and then multiplied by seven. 

All credit must go to Sam for taking this group running endeavor and turning it into a group writing endeavor, but, the extremely accomplished wordsmith that I am -- after all, I once wrote a column about Mario Kart DS for a college newspaper -- I feel that the burden of providing writing-related inspiration falls upon me.

So, Sam and Gordon, I encourage you to heed these words each and every time you sit down to type out another timeless entry for Marathon a Trois:

Dog is Running Marathon

OK. He's not really running the marathon, but we're up to 2 miles in the mornings for the past two days. Still horribly behaved off the leash.

My cold is still hanging around, which is crazy, but long run is in the works for this weekend. What are you two starting at mileage-wise?

In news related to the title of this post, I saw this piece of shit when I googled somesuch language about marathoning dogs. A Guinness record for being dressed like a mascot? As world records go, 4:30 f'ing sucks. I don't care if you're wearing 30 pounds of fur; you should be able to run faster than that. I'm tempted to go out and by a Phillie Phanatic costume for Pittsburgh.

.

Charley Update

This morning, I wanted to give everyone an update on the training partner. After a few days of brisk walking, Charley (we decided it's spelled this way because he was Harley when we got him from the kennel) has improved a lot in the speed department. I've worked him up from short fartlek style training to this morning's run of about 1.5 miles. My goal is for him to be able to run at least 6 miles with me, so that morning runs are that much easier, though I'm starting to think that he could eventually handle more.

Living in a wire crate can't be good for the joints. I'm not sure how long he's been cooped up, but I imagine it's been for a while. I can't think he would have gone straight from some irresponsible person's home to a kill shelter to Helping Hounds in Syracuse over the course of a week.

Natalie is still not entirely sold on keeping Charley, and I don't blame her. I would really like the decision to be mutual, even if I am getting more enamored with him each day. One option would be to keep him long-term and see if Becky would want him at a later date. He really is a great dog!

Training Partner?

Natalie and I went to the dog shelter today and brought home a new pooch who was two days away from being gassed somewhere down south. When we asked why the south had so many dogs that were being gassed, we didn't get a clear answer, so feel free to comment if you know. I'm guessing it has something to do with y'all's all's opinions on capital punishment.

We've named him Charlie, adding a 'C' to his motorcycle themed gas chamber given name. Naturally, this is in honor of baseball's greatest manager. I'm not sure if Charlie's actually going to work out as a training partner, since he's more into sleeping than running, but for now, he's working out well as a foster addition to the family. It's possible that he has the flu since I slept four 12 hours last night myself. The snoozing could also be a result of the crazy intense stress, too, so we're giving him the benefit of the doubt.

Stuffy Pierre is very interested in eating his grub and vice versa. It's topsy-turvy day!

PS - Day 2 of no running/flu recovery for me.

PPS - N. and I ate waffles this morning. They were delicious as always. Great wedding present.

Sam's been really hammering the multimedia. So, I thought I'd show how a jacked bike-man, like myself, gets on a bicycle.

Biking is fun, but womanly

I hadn't put a lot of thought into what would happen after the marathon. I think that I assumed it'd be like an extended road race. I'd take some time off for soreness: about a day or two. Then, Monday Will asked how I was feeling, and then made me promise not to run for two weeks. I, of course, blew this off. Then, I started talking to everyone I knew about it.

Just to kill the suspense, I'm taking everyone's advice and taking off two weeks before I start running again.

I didn't realize how much time in my life running takes up. I, now, have nothing to do.

So, today I'm going for a bike ride (Will approved) and I might stop at the gym (lady approved). I was thinking about running a turkey trot in a week, but I wouldn't be able to race it. I doubt my ability to exercise self-control during the race, and I fear I would wind up pushing it on my first run back.

Anyway, looking forward to running, once again, in a week.

Triple A

Our car battery died last night. All in all, it wasn't the worst case scenario, since the car was sitting in our driveway and our urgent trip du jour involved going to the grocery store for a movie and a frozen pizza. Still, it chapped my ass since I really wanted that pizza. The AAA guy is here now, replacing the battery. He is simultaneously challenging my manhood, but I'm too mucous-plugged to care. Let Natalie deal with it.

All this talk about drained energy has served as a cogent pharos for my own lackluster fitness with respect to the impending 26.2 mile voyage. May the fleas of a thousand camels rise up and infest my crotch if I don't do a long run in the next two weeks. It probably won't happen this weekend since there's a race tomorrow, and I may not run at all unless things start looking up flu-wise.

PS - I'm not blaming the vaccine anymore since I got the killed version.

Flu Vaccine

Two days ago, I got my flu vaccine as a convenient add-on to my annual student health assessment. Now I am paying the price for doing so in the form of dripping snot and lost sleep. I remember seeing each number on the alarm clock last night. Sure, I may have been sick before I got the shot, as Natalie pointed out. This is generally my argument when it comes to autism, and there's actually a good chance that's what happened since I just flew home from San Diego. Anyway, vaccines are fucking boring, and I feel like shit. Let's do this. Six miles today.

So we're running a marathon.

Thanks to JR for the video.